Will I lose your respect by admitting I would prefer to have a different job? It’s not that I don’t like helping people. Helping others is enormously rewarding. It’s just that so much of what I do could be solved by people themselves if they had a little insight.
So I’m going to provide you with some words of wisdom. And then I’m going to pray that you take it. That way I can fulfil my fantasy to be a screenwriter/interior decorator/talk show host replacement for Oprah. And you can have the healthy relationships you deserve.
Tip One: Don’t make decisions when you’re emotional. That includes angry, stressed, anxious, depressed or feeling too fat for all of your nice clothes. When you make decisions at this time, you’ll regret it when you calm down. And then you’ll feel obligated to uphold decisions that make you want to kick yourself.
Tip Two: Don’t blow hot and cold emotionally. If you get moody and claim its hormones, your job, alcohol or anything else, go visit your GP, start looking at the job adverts and put down that beer. Emotionally erratic people cause enormous pain to the people that care for them. Don’t give yourself permission to act like this.
Tip Three: Self-awareness isn’t just for people who eat organic food. Whatever your dietary habits, being genuinely aware of feelings, motives and fears is a sure-fire way to keep you and everyone around you sane. When you say one thing and do another everyone ends up dazed and confused. Which is the real you? They both are, which is why it’s a problem. Which is more the real you? In a toss-up your behaviour wins. Your actions are more likely to be driven by your genuine values, beliefs and feelings. So if you keep doing something over and over, stop trying to convince yourself you didn’t really want it. Come to terms with who you really are or prepare to spend a lot of money in therapy sessions.
Tip Four: Do unto others. I know this sounds religious but it’s plain common sense. Don’t do things to other people that you would hate if they did it to you. There’s a whole list of personality disorders that are associated with demanding double standards in relationships. If you want to know if you do this, by the way, ask your close friends and family. Then brace yourself for what they say.
Tip Five: Understand that being good in one area doesn’t buy a free pass in others. Being nice to animals doesn’t make you a good person if you terrorise your spouse and cheat your business partners out of money. If I had to select one phrase I’ve heard from most emotionally difficult (or horrible) people is ‘I’m a good person.’ They’re choosing to be selectively blind. Think about all of your areas: are you a loving partner? A considerate parent? An understanding and fair boss or employer? Go around yourself 360 degrees and see where you need work. Then work on it.
And one for the road.
Tip Six – the Big One: Integrity. Be a person of your word. This means not only doing what you say, it’s also means saying what you’ll do. Integrity is about openness and holding yourself accountable. It includes both the refusal to lie outright as well as not lying by omission (thereby letting someone believe something you know isn’t valid). I don’t count white lies because women really don’t want to know if our pants make our butts look big. I mean being upfront when issues are important. It’s not something you’d want to admit? Don’t do it. Think of every choice as something you’re going to eventually have to own up to. It will keep you out of trouble and you and your partner out of marital counselling.
There you have it. The secrets to emotional health and strong relationships. Now I can go back to polishing my film scripts. I’m certain Hollywood really needs me.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sanity Intact for the Christmas Holidays!
It seems to happen quicker every year. Yes, it’s almost Christmas again. And as much as we happily anticipate the festive season, it doesn't always work out as well as planned.
Dr Dina’s Tips for Family Gatherings:
1. Smile, nod and move away. This is a sort of a sanity-protecting Macarena. You know that sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin that always gets up your nose? The one who constantly boasts about how much better their life is than yours? Or who insists on giving you endless advice about childrearing, fashion, career or handling interest rate rises? Make sure you limit your time with them. Don’t be mean, just smile, nod and tip-toe sideways to help with the kitchen, the barbecue, or walking the family dog. With practice you’ll be so smooth they won’t even notice they’ve been snubbed.
2. Take it easy on the alcohol, especially if you have any of the relatives described above. We all know alcohol brings out whatever we've been holding back. That's fine if it's a warm,fuzzy appreciation of the world and all its inhabitants. Not so good when it makes you list, at the top of your voice, all of the things you really don't like about your brother-in-law. Spare yourself and your relatives by imbibing responsibly and choosing diplomacy over blunt honesty.
3. Try to put yourself in a good mood. It will help you relax if you don’t start off in a frazzle. Play your favourite holiday music while you're getting dressed. Take a leisurely bath or wear a much-loved item of clothing. Don’t cook or pack at the last minute (if you’re going to someone else’s place). Having the turkey burn on the bottom ten minutes before everyone is scheduled to ring the doorbell won’t fill you with Christmas cheer. Neither will being unable to find the kids’ shoes, swimming costumes or presents they made for Grandpa.
4. Remind yourself this is once a year, and try to enjoy the laughter and good parts of the day. One of the saddest things we can do is take things for granted or choose to ruin special occasions. Smile a lot. It will improve your mood. And find at least one thing to enjoy about everyone at the gathering, even if you don’t feel inclined to tell them.
Dr Dina’s Little Advice – These are some small tips to improve the holiday season
• Take the emphasis off gifts. Put it back into togetherness.
• Don’t be upset if you don’t like your gifts. Be thankful someone bothered to give you something (and re-gift it later).
• Be considerate of Christmas ‘orphans’. As someone who lives very far from family, I’m always incredibly grateful for friends who invite me to their place for the day. It makes all the difference.
• Try to enjoy the lovely decorations, songs and festivities. Being a grownup doesn’t mean we can’t immerse ourselves in the joy of the season.
Have a Merry Christmas – and write to me if things get too challenging!
Dr Dina’s Tips for Family Gatherings:
1. Smile, nod and move away. This is a sort of a sanity-protecting Macarena. You know that sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin that always gets up your nose? The one who constantly boasts about how much better their life is than yours? Or who insists on giving you endless advice about childrearing, fashion, career or handling interest rate rises? Make sure you limit your time with them. Don’t be mean, just smile, nod and tip-toe sideways to help with the kitchen, the barbecue, or walking the family dog. With practice you’ll be so smooth they won’t even notice they’ve been snubbed.
2. Take it easy on the alcohol, especially if you have any of the relatives described above. We all know alcohol brings out whatever we've been holding back. That's fine if it's a warm,fuzzy appreciation of the world and all its inhabitants. Not so good when it makes you list, at the top of your voice, all of the things you really don't like about your brother-in-law. Spare yourself and your relatives by imbibing responsibly and choosing diplomacy over blunt honesty.
3. Try to put yourself in a good mood. It will help you relax if you don’t start off in a frazzle. Play your favourite holiday music while you're getting dressed. Take a leisurely bath or wear a much-loved item of clothing. Don’t cook or pack at the last minute (if you’re going to someone else’s place). Having the turkey burn on the bottom ten minutes before everyone is scheduled to ring the doorbell won’t fill you with Christmas cheer. Neither will being unable to find the kids’ shoes, swimming costumes or presents they made for Grandpa.
4. Remind yourself this is once a year, and try to enjoy the laughter and good parts of the day. One of the saddest things we can do is take things for granted or choose to ruin special occasions. Smile a lot. It will improve your mood. And find at least one thing to enjoy about everyone at the gathering, even if you don’t feel inclined to tell them.
Dr Dina’s Little Advice – These are some small tips to improve the holiday season
• Take the emphasis off gifts. Put it back into togetherness.
• Don’t be upset if you don’t like your gifts. Be thankful someone bothered to give you something (and re-gift it later).
• Be considerate of Christmas ‘orphans’. As someone who lives very far from family, I’m always incredibly grateful for friends who invite me to their place for the day. It makes all the difference.
• Try to enjoy the lovely decorations, songs and festivities. Being a grownup doesn’t mean we can’t immerse ourselves in the joy of the season.
Have a Merry Christmas – and write to me if things get too challenging!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Excerpt from Fascination with the Devil: Why Women Love Emotionally Dangerous Men
Why I wrote this book on Emotionally Dangerous Men -- and why you need to read it!
...Time, change, and most importantly growth permit me to reflect on my feelings for Jason with some measure of humor. Don’t let that fool you. The issues discussed in this book are anything but funny. The pain we suffer when we maintain destructive relationships can be excruciating.
It’s these beliefs which lead us to choose such faulty men as our romantic partners. And far too many of us do it.
It’s no secret that a lot of very bright, confident women become romantically involved with men against our better judgment (and ignoring the warnings of family and friends). Sooner or later, most of these men live up to their terrible reputations.
This leads to me to Harsh Truth #1. We often become involved with men we would quickly reject if we were giving advice to someone else about them!
Too often we have blinders when it comes to our own choices, but vision like Superman’s when it comes to examining everyone else’s lives.
I was a perfect case of this. I’ve always prided myself on being able to spot the jerks among the men my girlfriends would date, even before my formal training. I would warn my girls about the consequences of falling for those guys, but they, like me, wouldn’t listen. After everything fell apart, we’d all sit around and commisserate about our horrible love lives.
To be honest, when these disappointments happened in my friends' relationships, for the reasons I’d predicted in the beginning, I felt smug. I felt powerful. After all, hadn’t I told these women that their men would cheat, or lie, or steal, or in one case go out with another man? (Don’t ask.)
Wasn’t I usually able to spot these problems after only one or two meetings with my friends’ new beaus? Wasn’t I right about these men again and again?
Having this ability convinced me that I was safeguarded from serious man-troubles in my own life. I was proud to know that I was so capable, and I knew that knowledge can protect you. But you know that pride goeth before the fall, don’t you?
And armed with the kind of proud invulnerability I felt, I was really setting myself up. This led me to:
Harsh Truth #2: Men show you who they are. You’re responsible if you don’t bother to pay attention to what you find.
When we ignore what we see or lie to ourselves about whether or not we’ll get emotionally involved, we deceive ourselves in a million little ways. But if we bother to really look before we jump, we’ll know we’re headed for romantic disaster.
After my summer with Jason came to a humiliating end, I returned home broken-hearted and disillusioned. Once again I had learned that being smart had not kept me from getting emotionally involved with an obvious jerk. I was furious with myself for being so sure about myself. I’d forgotten:
Harsh Truth #3: Knowing something is bad for you won’t automatically protect you from it!
It can’t. It won’t. If knowledge isn’t used to make the right choices, then it does nothing but make you feel even more ridiculous when everything goes wrong.
Want to read the rest? Contact me at drdina1@msn.com for a PDF version of the book. Only $15 AUS, $10 US
...Time, change, and most importantly growth permit me to reflect on my feelings for Jason with some measure of humor. Don’t let that fool you. The issues discussed in this book are anything but funny. The pain we suffer when we maintain destructive relationships can be excruciating.
It’s these beliefs which lead us to choose such faulty men as our romantic partners. And far too many of us do it.
It’s no secret that a lot of very bright, confident women become romantically involved with men against our better judgment (and ignoring the warnings of family and friends). Sooner or later, most of these men live up to their terrible reputations.
This leads to me to Harsh Truth #1. We often become involved with men we would quickly reject if we were giving advice to someone else about them!
Too often we have blinders when it comes to our own choices, but vision like Superman’s when it comes to examining everyone else’s lives.
I was a perfect case of this. I’ve always prided myself on being able to spot the jerks among the men my girlfriends would date, even before my formal training. I would warn my girls about the consequences of falling for those guys, but they, like me, wouldn’t listen. After everything fell apart, we’d all sit around and commisserate about our horrible love lives.
To be honest, when these disappointments happened in my friends' relationships, for the reasons I’d predicted in the beginning, I felt smug. I felt powerful. After all, hadn’t I told these women that their men would cheat, or lie, or steal, or in one case go out with another man? (Don’t ask.)
Wasn’t I usually able to spot these problems after only one or two meetings with my friends’ new beaus? Wasn’t I right about these men again and again?
Having this ability convinced me that I was safeguarded from serious man-troubles in my own life. I was proud to know that I was so capable, and I knew that knowledge can protect you. But you know that pride goeth before the fall, don’t you?
And armed with the kind of proud invulnerability I felt, I was really setting myself up. This led me to:
Harsh Truth #2: Men show you who they are. You’re responsible if you don’t bother to pay attention to what you find.
When we ignore what we see or lie to ourselves about whether or not we’ll get emotionally involved, we deceive ourselves in a million little ways. But if we bother to really look before we jump, we’ll know we’re headed for romantic disaster.
After my summer with Jason came to a humiliating end, I returned home broken-hearted and disillusioned. Once again I had learned that being smart had not kept me from getting emotionally involved with an obvious jerk. I was furious with myself for being so sure about myself. I’d forgotten:
Harsh Truth #3: Knowing something is bad for you won’t automatically protect you from it!
It can’t. It won’t. If knowledge isn’t used to make the right choices, then it does nothing but make you feel even more ridiculous when everything goes wrong.
Want to read the rest? Contact me at drdina1@msn.com for a PDF version of the book. Only $15 AUS, $10 US
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Want to Reduce Domestic Abuse and Violence?
MORE THAN A 'RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIPS' CLASS WILL BE NEEDED TO DO IT.
It's great that the current Australian government is so committed to reducing domestic abuse and violence. I'm concerned that some may be thinking the addition of 'Respectful Relationships' sessions to our classrooms is the means to do it.
Any program that will inspire lasting change has to be more comprehensive than a set of lectures added to sex education classes or a policy change in the sports program.
I realise the 'Respectful Relationships' components are intended just as a start to a more widespread effort.
Yet even if these sessions are well done and inspirational, they won’t be enough. There have to be forces in place to help lessen the overwhelming influence of parents’ relationships, the material that young people see on television and the huge amount of flotsam cramming the internet.
If you also consider the influence of materials at the newsstands and the impact of important persons in the children’s lives (who haven't taken these new lectures and may not support the values), the view becomes even dimmer. ‘Uh oh’ is the politest way to put it.
After all, this sort of thing has been tried before. It's not fresh. It's not new. And it hasn't been shown to be effective in significantly altering the health of personal relationships over time because it's not broadly supported.
If you're talking about teaching children in the schools, the influence has to last long enough to impact the dynamics of their future relationships. They need something that won't rub off once the holidays begin. They need a structure they can draw upon consistently for the rest of their lives.
This means we need to teach young people to identify the foundation that underlies all forms of abuse, not just prohibit verbal abuse and violence. This includes sexist ideas that deem women inferior to men, perceive females as the property of males, or place females in the role of sexual objects.
We're already seeing the impact of that thinking among young people, with the 'sexting' of nude photos by young girls to their friends, and young females allowing themselves to be widely sexually exploited by males. This limiting role of females underlies the sense of ownership and entitlement maintained by abusive and violent males. And it's being supported and maintained by both young women and young men.
If we want to reduce abuse and violence, we have to show the limitations of this thinking to both girls and boys. These new values have to be echoed in the wider environment, too. This includes the internet, the media (including magazines and newspapers)and other sources of influence around young people, whether these sources are obvious or subtly in the background.
And it should also aim to have an impact on the relationships of at least some of the important persons around young people. That means the offering has to be broader than just the schools, even as a starting point.
Then it all has to be repeated, reinforced and presented in a variety of contexts.
It can be done. It MUST be done if we’re going to reduce the proportion of girls and women experiencing this horrible phenomenon. But we can’t make a new cake by using the same old recipe. We have to be willing to break new ground, be courageous and comprehensive, and go at it with everything we’ve got. No more half measures will do.
It's great that the current Australian government is so committed to reducing domestic abuse and violence. I'm concerned that some may be thinking the addition of 'Respectful Relationships' sessions to our classrooms is the means to do it.
Any program that will inspire lasting change has to be more comprehensive than a set of lectures added to sex education classes or a policy change in the sports program.
I realise the 'Respectful Relationships' components are intended just as a start to a more widespread effort.
Yet even if these sessions are well done and inspirational, they won’t be enough. There have to be forces in place to help lessen the overwhelming influence of parents’ relationships, the material that young people see on television and the huge amount of flotsam cramming the internet.
If you also consider the influence of materials at the newsstands and the impact of important persons in the children’s lives (who haven't taken these new lectures and may not support the values), the view becomes even dimmer. ‘Uh oh’ is the politest way to put it.
After all, this sort of thing has been tried before. It's not fresh. It's not new. And it hasn't been shown to be effective in significantly altering the health of personal relationships over time because it's not broadly supported.
If you're talking about teaching children in the schools, the influence has to last long enough to impact the dynamics of their future relationships. They need something that won't rub off once the holidays begin. They need a structure they can draw upon consistently for the rest of their lives.
This means we need to teach young people to identify the foundation that underlies all forms of abuse, not just prohibit verbal abuse and violence. This includes sexist ideas that deem women inferior to men, perceive females as the property of males, or place females in the role of sexual objects.
We're already seeing the impact of that thinking among young people, with the 'sexting' of nude photos by young girls to their friends, and young females allowing themselves to be widely sexually exploited by males. This limiting role of females underlies the sense of ownership and entitlement maintained by abusive and violent males. And it's being supported and maintained by both young women and young men.
If we want to reduce abuse and violence, we have to show the limitations of this thinking to both girls and boys. These new values have to be echoed in the wider environment, too. This includes the internet, the media (including magazines and newspapers)and other sources of influence around young people, whether these sources are obvious or subtly in the background.
And it should also aim to have an impact on the relationships of at least some of the important persons around young people. That means the offering has to be broader than just the schools, even as a starting point.
Then it all has to be repeated, reinforced and presented in a variety of contexts.
It can be done. It MUST be done if we’re going to reduce the proportion of girls and women experiencing this horrible phenomenon. But we can’t make a new cake by using the same old recipe. We have to be willing to break new ground, be courageous and comprehensive, and go at it with everything we’ve got. No more half measures will do.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Emotional Tornadoes: Self-Created Upheaval
No, you’re not crazy. You may seem insane, or even feel like you’ve lost your mind. Your friends may think you’re nuts while you’re in the grip of one of these things, but you’re still legally responsible. And you’re not the victim of someone else’s impulses or malice, either.
What’s happening is you’re caught up in an emotional whirlwind of your own making - one that leaves you standing alone in a field of upheaval where your life used to be.
No, I’m not talking about going on a wild weekend or an uncontrolled spending spree. What I’m describing is much more serious: you’re bopping along living your life and things are looking pretty good. Your outlook may be brighter than it has been in a long time and you feel like your goals are finally within reach. Then you suddenly, inexplicably, become overwhelmed by the need to:
· Quit your job as a university professor to become a bartender in Australia (although you sunburn easily and don’t drink alcohol)
· Leave your long-term partner to date an intense, somewhat odd person at your office (whom you don’t even like that much)
· Cash in your retirement portfolio to join a condo scheme you saw on an infomercial at 3 AM on Sunday morning
An Emotional Tornado enters and convinces the sufferer to take a course of action that is illogical, irrational and inconsistent with the way that person has been living up to that point. In the pursuit of this new direction, individuals hurt those closest to them, disappoint those who depend on them, and dismantle the life they’ve spent blood, sweat and tears to build.
If you’re the person experiencing an Emotional Tornado, your brain will feel like it’s turned inside out. You’ll find yourself behaving in new ways, perhaps adopting values you disparaged before and found frivolous or selfish when you observed them in others.
And then, eventually, you’ll recover. You’ll “wake up” to find yourself far from where you want to be, wondering what came over you to make you do this to your life. You’ll deeply regret the decisions you’ve made. You won’t be able to figure out what possessed you to betray everyone’s trust to pursue something that you don’t really want.
Fortunately, Emotional Tornadoes can be stopped. It takes persistence, guts and determination, but it can be done. In order to do so, you have to follow certain steps:
1) Understand that you’re ultimately responsible for what you do in your life
2) Arm yourself with knowledge to fight off the force of the Tornado
3) Realize your role in the destruction
4) Build your Barriers to the Tornado before it hits again!
5) Stop the Tornado in its Tracks. Follow the simple steps. No excuses, no exceptions:
Consider how you felt in the past when you went into an Emotional Tornado. How did you behave? Who did you have around you, and who did you avoid? Share your personal Tornado information with a trusted Other (or Others). Catch yourself using the kind of terms I call “Tornado Bulls-t” that is just rationalizing doing the wrong thing. When the Emotional Tornado appears, don’t trust your ability to determine right and wrong. If your trusted Other tells you they’re seeing the warning signs, believe them. Transfer your trust in your own ability to judge what’s going on. Avoid those people, places, and situations the Tornado is trying to convince you to enter. Under no circumstances should you act on the Tornado’s whims. If you do, the damage is irreversible. This is the most important step. Remind yourself frequently that all of the knowledge in the world won’t protect you if you don’t act on it!
Once the Emotional Tornado has passed, do what you can to build up your emotional Trouble Spots. Build up your confidence in areas where you’re most fearful. Then the Emotional Tornado will have nowhere to strike (although it will probably still try).
Get the most help you can to protect yourself against the next onslaught. Don’t lie to yourself - the Tornado will always try to strike again. Keep building your protection even after you think you’re okay.
What’s happening is you’re caught up in an emotional whirlwind of your own making - one that leaves you standing alone in a field of upheaval where your life used to be.
No, I’m not talking about going on a wild weekend or an uncontrolled spending spree. What I’m describing is much more serious: you’re bopping along living your life and things are looking pretty good. Your outlook may be brighter than it has been in a long time and you feel like your goals are finally within reach. Then you suddenly, inexplicably, become overwhelmed by the need to:
· Quit your job as a university professor to become a bartender in Australia (although you sunburn easily and don’t drink alcohol)
· Leave your long-term partner to date an intense, somewhat odd person at your office (whom you don’t even like that much)
· Cash in your retirement portfolio to join a condo scheme you saw on an infomercial at 3 AM on Sunday morning
An Emotional Tornado enters and convinces the sufferer to take a course of action that is illogical, irrational and inconsistent with the way that person has been living up to that point. In the pursuit of this new direction, individuals hurt those closest to them, disappoint those who depend on them, and dismantle the life they’ve spent blood, sweat and tears to build.
If you’re the person experiencing an Emotional Tornado, your brain will feel like it’s turned inside out. You’ll find yourself behaving in new ways, perhaps adopting values you disparaged before and found frivolous or selfish when you observed them in others.
And then, eventually, you’ll recover. You’ll “wake up” to find yourself far from where you want to be, wondering what came over you to make you do this to your life. You’ll deeply regret the decisions you’ve made. You won’t be able to figure out what possessed you to betray everyone’s trust to pursue something that you don’t really want.
Fortunately, Emotional Tornadoes can be stopped. It takes persistence, guts and determination, but it can be done. In order to do so, you have to follow certain steps:
1) Understand that you’re ultimately responsible for what you do in your life
2) Arm yourself with knowledge to fight off the force of the Tornado
3) Realize your role in the destruction
4) Build your Barriers to the Tornado before it hits again!
5) Stop the Tornado in its Tracks. Follow the simple steps. No excuses, no exceptions:
Consider how you felt in the past when you went into an Emotional Tornado. How did you behave? Who did you have around you, and who did you avoid? Share your personal Tornado information with a trusted Other (or Others). Catch yourself using the kind of terms I call “Tornado Bulls-t” that is just rationalizing doing the wrong thing. When the Emotional Tornado appears, don’t trust your ability to determine right and wrong. If your trusted Other tells you they’re seeing the warning signs, believe them. Transfer your trust in your own ability to judge what’s going on. Avoid those people, places, and situations the Tornado is trying to convince you to enter. Under no circumstances should you act on the Tornado’s whims. If you do, the damage is irreversible. This is the most important step. Remind yourself frequently that all of the knowledge in the world won’t protect you if you don’t act on it!
Once the Emotional Tornado has passed, do what you can to build up your emotional Trouble Spots. Build up your confidence in areas where you’re most fearful. Then the Emotional Tornado will have nowhere to strike (although it will probably still try).
Get the most help you can to protect yourself against the next onslaught. Don’t lie to yourself - the Tornado will always try to strike again. Keep building your protection even after you think you’re okay.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Reconnecting with an Old Flame Online
With the increasing popularity of sites like facebook, more people are returning to the past when looking for romance. One of my sister's closest friends reconnected with an old love this way. They're now happily married.
That doesn't mean you should completely throw caution to the wind. Below are a few tips to keep in mind to increase the chances that you -- and your former crush -- have a positive experience.
Positive Aspects – whether an old flame, old friend or old acquaintance:
1. Sites like facebook and myspace let you find someone by name. It’s even easier if you know their email address
2. Photos let you see what they look like now, as long as the photos are recent
3. Profile pages tell you how someone thinks – without it only being designed to pull in romantic interests
4. You get a chance to see what types of friends they have and what types of activities they get involved in
5. It's usually safer than connecting with total strangers
6. You can talk about the old days to prevent awkward pauses in conversation
7. It can be good to talk to people who remember you as an individual, not just a partner or a parent
Of course, there are some possible problems you should be on the lookout for:
a) If they post a lot of social events and you’re not invited, it could hurt your feelings (a risk when they’ve been ‘tagged’ going somewhere they didn’t tell you about)
b) They could be disappointed by the way you’ve changed
c) You could be disappointed by the way they’ve changed
d) You could be pursued by someone who has issues, for instance:
That doesn't mean you should completely throw caution to the wind. Below are a few tips to keep in mind to increase the chances that you -- and your former crush -- have a positive experience.
Positive Aspects – whether an old flame, old friend or old acquaintance:
1. Sites like facebook and myspace let you find someone by name. It’s even easier if you know their email address
2. Photos let you see what they look like now, as long as the photos are recent
3. Profile pages tell you how someone thinks – without it only being designed to pull in romantic interests
4. You get a chance to see what types of friends they have and what types of activities they get involved in
5. It's usually safer than connecting with total strangers
6. You can talk about the old days to prevent awkward pauses in conversation
7. It can be good to talk to people who remember you as an individual, not just a partner or a parent
Of course, there are some possible problems you should be on the lookout for:
a) If they post a lot of social events and you’re not invited, it could hurt your feelings (a risk when they’ve been ‘tagged’ going somewhere they didn’t tell you about)
b) They could be disappointed by the way you’ve changed
c) You could be disappointed by the way they’ve changed
d) You could be pursued by someone who has issues, for instance:
- you never really liked them in high school
- they keep track of what you’re doing all the time
- they contact you whenever you sign on
- they pressure you for in-person contact when you don’t really want to meet with them
- they keep track or comment on anyone you may be interested in or spend more time with online
- they post embarrassing photos, past or current, or say embarrassing things
- they try to befriend your friends, and that makes you uncomfortable
Here is some general advice for doing this right:
o Don’t expect anyone to be exactly the same as they were. Time changes us all!
o If you’ve changed a lot, physically or emotionally, tell them before you meet
o Take it slow and get to know them again
o Don’t be embarrassed about ignoring a friend request:
- if you don’t really like them or don’t want them in your life (for whatever reason)
- if you have information you post that you don’t want that person to see
- if your friends don’t want their interactions with you to be shared with that person
o If it’s an old flame, allow for the possibility that there’s no attraction any more
o If it’s an old flame, allow for the possibility the attraction is still strong
o Be ethical – if they’re married with kids and you used to have a zing-bang, totally hot relationship, leave them alone!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Peace of Mind During the Holidays
For so many reasons, the holidays are times of enormous joy, fun and STRESS. Here are some simple tips to reduce your anxiety during the Festive Season:
- Make a decision to enjoy the holidays. Put yourself in the holiday spirit using music, decorations or holiday television shows.
- Plan for emotions, not just actions. Discuss how to handle get-togethers with your family BEFORE you go. This should include an exit strategy in case things get out of hand.
- Reduce the emphasis on purchased gifts. Tis the season to be jolly, not to get further into debt. Find low-cost gifts or make them yourself. Be creative, for example, give a gift of your time as a gift certificate in a lovely card. Look in the newspaper for things to enjoy that are free or low-cost.
- Minimise the time you spend with toxic relatives. Spend a limited time at the homes of rels who always complain, hate your partner, or think your political views are naive. Arrange to do something else on the same day to give yourself an out.
Now get out there and enjoy the spirit of the Season!
Then enjoy the season knowing y
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