Make Psychologists Have to Get New Jobs in 2010

Will I lose your respect by admitting I would prefer to have a different job? It’s not that I don’t like helping people. Helping others is enormously rewarding. It’s just that so much of what I do could be solved by people themselves if they had a little insight.

So I’m going to provide you with some words of wisdom. And then I’m going to pray that you take it. That way I can fulfil my fantasy to be a screenwriter/interior decorator/talk show host replacement for Oprah. And you can have the healthy relationships you deserve.

Tip One: Don’t make decisions when you’re emotional. That includes angry, stressed, anxious, depressed or feeling too fat for all of your nice clothes. When you make decisions at this time, you’ll regret it when you calm down. And then you’ll feel obligated to uphold decisions that make you want to kick yourself.

Tip Two: Don’t blow hot and cold emotionally. If you get moody and claim its hormones, your job, alcohol or anything else, go visit your GP, start looking at the job adverts and put down that beer. Emotionally erratic people cause enormous pain to the people that care for them. Don’t give yourself permission to act like this.

Tip Three: Self-awareness isn’t just for people who eat organic food. Whatever your dietary habits, being genuinely aware of feelings, motives and fears is a sure-fire way to keep you and everyone around you sane. When you say one thing and do another everyone ends up dazed and confused. Which is the real you? They both are, which is why it’s a problem. Which is more the real you? In a toss-up your behaviour wins. Your actions are more likely to be driven by your genuine values, beliefs and feelings. So if you keep doing something over and over, stop trying to convince yourself you didn’t really want it. Come to terms with who you really are or prepare to spend a lot of money in therapy sessions.

Tip Four: Do unto others. I know this sounds religious but it’s plain common sense. Don’t do things to other people that you would hate if they did it to you. There’s a whole list of personality disorders that are associated with demanding double standards in relationships. If you want to know if you do this, by the way, ask your close friends and family. Then brace yourself for what they say.

Tip Five: Understand that being good in one area doesn’t buy a free pass in others. Being nice to animals doesn’t make you a good person if you terrorise your spouse and cheat your business partners out of money. If I had to select one phrase I’ve heard from most emotionally difficult (or horrible) people is ‘I’m a good person.’ They’re choosing to be selectively blind. Think about all of your areas: are you a loving partner? A considerate parent? An understanding and fair boss or employer? Go around yourself 360 degrees and see where you need work. Then work on it.

And one for the road.

Tip Six – the Big One: Integrity. Be a person of your word. This means not only doing what you say, it’s also means saying what you’ll do. Integrity is about openness and holding yourself accountable. It includes both the refusal to lie outright as well as not lying by omission (thereby letting someone believe something you know isn’t valid). I don’t count white lies because women really don’t want to know if our pants make our butts look big. I mean being upfront when issues are important. It’s not something you’d want to admit? Don’t do it. Think of every choice as something you’re going to eventually have to own up to. It will keep you out of trouble and you and your partner out of marital counselling.

There you have it. The secrets to emotional health and strong relationships. Now I can go back to polishing my film scripts. I’m certain Hollywood really needs me.

Sanity Intact for the Christmas Holidays!

It seems to happen quicker every year. Yes, it’s almost Christmas again. And as much as we happily anticipate the festive season, it doesn't always work out as well as planned.

Dr Dina’s Tips for Family Gatherings:

1. Smile, nod and move away. This is a sort of a sanity-protecting Macarena. You know that sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin that always gets up your nose? The one who constantly boasts about how much better their life is than yours? Or who insists on giving you endless advice about childrearing, fashion, career or handling interest rate rises? Make sure you limit your time with them. Don’t be mean, just smile, nod and tip-toe sideways to help with the kitchen, the barbecue, or walking the family dog. With practice you’ll be so smooth they won’t even notice they’ve been snubbed.

2. Take it easy on the alcohol, especially if you have any of the relatives described above. We all know alcohol brings out whatever we've been holding back. That's fine if it's a warm,fuzzy appreciation of the world and all its inhabitants. Not so good when it makes you list, at the top of your voice, all of the things you really don't like about your brother-in-law. Spare yourself and your relatives by imbibing responsibly and choosing diplomacy over blunt honesty.

3. Try to put yourself in a good mood. It will help you relax if you don’t start off in a frazzle. Play your favourite holiday music while you're getting dressed. Take a leisurely bath or wear a much-loved item of clothing. Don’t cook or pack at the last minute (if you’re going to someone else’s place). Having the turkey burn on the bottom ten minutes before everyone is scheduled to ring the doorbell won’t fill you with Christmas cheer. Neither will being unable to find the kids’ shoes, swimming costumes or presents they made for Grandpa.

4. Remind yourself this is once a year, and try to enjoy the laughter and good parts of the day. One of the saddest things we can do is take things for granted or choose to ruin special occasions. Smile a lot. It will improve your mood. And find at least one thing to enjoy about everyone at the gathering, even if you don’t feel inclined to tell them.

Dr Dina’s Little Advice – These are some small tips to improve the holiday season

• Take the emphasis off gifts. Put it back into togetherness.
• Don’t be upset if you don’t like your gifts. Be thankful someone bothered to give you something (and re-gift it later).
• Be considerate of Christmas ‘orphans’. As someone who lives very far from family, I’m always incredibly grateful for friends who invite me to their place for the day. It makes all the difference.
• Try to enjoy the lovely decorations, songs and festivities. Being a grownup doesn’t mean we can’t immerse ourselves in the joy of the season.
Have a Merry Christmas – and write to me if things get too challenging!